At times..

At times I have to pray for patience. I honestly feel like I have to ask God to settle me down. Today was one of those days. Today I feel like I am owed an apology and for once, I'm not backing down on that. I spent a long time letting people talk to me any way they wanted to and they would--talk down to me--and you know what, I'm not doing that anymore. In fact, I feel as if I'm much more sensitive to it when people do it these days. I am a stronger person because of the things I've been through and part of that learning experience was realizing when someone isnt treating you right and making sure you don't let it happen to you again.

Again, it may have taken me a lot longer than someone else, but I have learned a few things. However, it doesn't make it easier to bite your tongue and move along...especially, when you've got a tendency to say whats on your mind--they way I sometimes, too often, do.

“Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.” -Ambrose Bierce

The Moment, before the Moment.

“"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best -- " and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called” -Winnie the Pooh

I had to read this about three times before I actually got it. Once I did, it made perfect sense. The moment, right before the moments we love--that is the most precious. I started thinking of my own life in this way...under this light. Everything I've ever wanted, and the moments just before I held them in my hands...was that the most precious, did that make me happy? It would be contrary to what the world thinks---the world would tell you that you need to be in possession of something to truly feel the joy of having it, but this is not the moment Pooh describes as his happiest. It wasn't the act of eating his most favorite meal..it was a moment he couldn't describe.

But along these lines, I can't help but question, was Pooh talking about the anticipation of that thing or the moment before actually getting it or perhaps a little bit of both. If he was speaking of the anticipation then, can't the mere experience of wanting something so bad override the having of that thing itself? I think maybe this is why sometimes we find ourselves so dissatisfied once we have the things we think we want. It simply comes down to the fact that we've desired something for so long that we realize we fell in love with the desire, the drive, or the want of whatever it is, more than the thing itself. It's happened to me plenty of times. You find the perfect pair of shoes, outfit, or perhaps the mere fact of having more money in your pocket thrills you--only to find yourself throwing on older shoes, a comfortable outfit, or recognizing that life was simpler without the money.

Or maybe...it's not just about the anticipation...maybe, Pooh simply meant that although we appreciate what we have, only just before we get it when all the world things "no big deal," can we fully and wholeheartedly feel the happiest.

It's sometimes the quiet experience--the ones we can't describe without fireworks and sound--that leave our tummys most content.

Starting Over

Ever since I was a little kid, I had this fascination with being in love. Most girls do. However, I was never one of those girls who always had a boyfriend or jumped from relationship to relationship, in fact, I can safely say that I've spent most of my years alone. I can count all of the "relationships" I've had on one hand.

I hated the word single. I pretended to like it and adopt it as my own, but I couldn't. I was embarassed of myself and of the fact that I didn't have anyone around. When all of my friends had boyfriends or my family members were getting married, I was always alone. Family events were the worst--having my grandpa ask me why I didn't have anyone there, made me feel lonely and it made me question my own self worth. This began a string of insecurities that only I have felt the true depth of. In search of filling a void for these cold and deep insecurities, I went out and found short term love in anyone that would pay me the attention. I dated around, and found nothing but emptiness and an sense of narcissim, I didn't know I had in me. Everything became about immediate self gratification.

After a couple years of self exploration, I met one person that made me believe that I could love someone more than myself. To this day, I haven't uttered the word love to anyone else. That person changed my life. For three and half years I settled for less than what I wanted, I gave with all my heart, and I waited for a man that I knew would never be mine. It took me three and half years to understand that our love was based on selfishness, distrust, and pride. And after a consistant battle within my heart, I finally let go. I realized how much I had changed, how far I was from the person I wanted to be, and how far I had come from where God wanted me to be. The things that I had pushed under the rug during our relationship, suddenly became a priority as I felt a still, soft voice calling me back to the person I had lost along the way--a girl who used to believe that what she wanted was worth waiting for. I can't explain the why or the how. I honestly felt for so long that I would never be over this person, but one morning I woke up and I was ready. It would take hours to retell the things that I went through with them, but truth is, I learned a lot about myself, I have no regrets and I will always be thankful for the years I spent both in tears and in laughter with him.

A three year learning experience.

I am starting this journal as a new beginning. They say that every six months your life changes drastically. It took me a tad bit longer, but I can finally say I am at that point. So if you're curious, bored, or feel you can relate to my experience, I encourage you to join me.

"The first step to getting somewhere is to decide you are not going to stay where you are"


-L