A Year...

So...it's been awhile.

This past week, Mike and I celebrated our one year "official" anniversary. I know I keep saying this, but it's true--time flies. Although we've been dating for over a year and a half, one part of me thinks that it's strange to think we've been together for that long and the other part of me feels like it's been years. I spend the biggest chunk of my time with him and I love every bit of it. He has truely been the best thing to ever happen to me. Our relationship has been nothing short of extremely healthy, and although a "healthy" relationship was once a foreign thing to me, it now is impeccably real. With that said, I can honestly say that this man is it for me. It is a beautiful feeling, one that I honestly thought would never come to me. He brings out the best in me, a part that was hidden away for nearly four years before that while someone else brought out the worst in me. As many of my friends have commented to me, I feel like I am the person I am suppose to be, and not someone settling for the person I became previously. I feel so incredibly blessed to have someone so wonderful placed in my life. I am so in love it's ridiculous. I look forward to many more years happy and together.

With that said, we have both been much more active at Rock Harbor. This, in itself, is a huge testament to our relationship. We are based in the same faith, and we both have our eyes set on the Man above. Even though I'm not going to spend too much time talking about this, it is probably the most important aspect of our relationship--a huge part that had been missing with everyone else I previously dated.

I have begun classes for my Master's program at Azusa Pacific. Actually, at this point I am almost half way through. I am getting my masters in Educational Counseling, with an added Counseling credential. It is a fantastic program, and I have already learned so much. All of this has really made it's way into my own classroom and has helped me identify more with my own students.

Until next time folks....

Variable Usage

I've decided that I probably should have a blog about being busy, eating out, eating healthy, and going to the gym. I only say this because I hardly update with things that relate to my life. I suppose I could more often then not, but I think that I have been in the midst of a dry spell in regards to my creativity, in particular, my writing. In a conversation with my roommate the other day, I expressed my discontent with my lack of desire to write. "I just have nothing to write about!," I said. I suppose that with my previous journal I found myself writing so often as a means to express my dissatisfaction with my previous relationship status (or lack thereof) and my discontent with life. I found that some of my best writing came in the midst of my unhappiness, and since that was the case, now, I've got nothin'. But here I am...trying.

My relationship is about 8 months deep in the "official" status. Time flies. Feels like just yesterday I found someone who made me feel butterflies again, someone who made me smile more often then they made me cry, someone who gave me a will and desire to grow in my faith, become a better sister, friend, daughter, and human being. Just a couple months ago we were discussing how it had been a year since the first time we hung out, it was a surreal moment. I think of my life as it was a year ago. It is incredible that so much time has passed and that so much growth has taken place. However, I am still being humbled and challenged day by day, but in different ways. It is exciting to see the steps that my life has taken and is continuing to take.

My job is crazy. I am teaching only Seniors this year, and so that has been a challenge in and of itself. They're just done with school and ready to graduate, I'm coming to terms with it. Other than that, I started graduate school...exciting. I actually am really excited about my classes. I am getting my Masters in Educational Counseling and on top of that I'm actually acquiring a Counseling credential. I was just telling Lisa the other day that thinking back on all of the crazy stuff I did, I can't believe I'm going back to eventually one day go into school counseling. Funny. No, really...if you know me, you should be laughing. So far the curriculum in my classes has been really interesting...how we respond to stress and loss and brain injuries, crazy interesting stuff. I'm a schoolie at heart though, I admit it, I like school.

The only thing I'm trying to work on is my friendships. I am sucking at friendships lately, mostly because I feel...ehhhh....I dunno. It's kinda hard to explain. I think I said it best when I told Lisa the other day that I'd like to hang out with my friends and just my friends again...not my friends and their boyfriends, at least not all the time. I think its so important to maintain close friendships with your girlfriends when you're in relationships, but most of the time women isolate their friends when they're in relationships. I was guilty of it at first, and now trying to reverse that is tough. I feel like I've drawn so far away from my close friends and because I have such a full schedule at the moment I'm not being very proactive about maintaining those friendships. Plus, I think with everyone close to me either so far away or with their boyfriends or on different schedules most of the time, its just hard to do things. But I have acknowledged that I don't want to be a married woman only hanging out with her friends and their husbands. I'd still like to maintain my unique friendships with them, on a one-on-one basis. I need to work on this--being more proactive and intentional with my friends.

Lastly, I should say I am feeling very overcome with Thankfulness this year. I have truely had such an amazing and blessed year. So many wonderful things have happened over the last 11 months. I am taken aback by all of the incredible ways God has provided for me, my family, and my boyfriend this year. I am looking forward to celebrating all these blessings twice this year--with Mike's family and my own.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

-L

“Now, on the road to freedom, I was pausing for a moment near Temuco and could hear the voice of the water that had taught me to sing." -Neruda

At times..

At times I have to pray for patience. I honestly feel like I have to ask God to settle me down. Today was one of those days. Today I feel like I am owed an apology and for once, I'm not backing down on that. I spent a long time letting people talk to me any way they wanted to and they would--talk down to me--and you know what, I'm not doing that anymore. In fact, I feel as if I'm much more sensitive to it when people do it these days. I am a stronger person because of the things I've been through and part of that learning experience was realizing when someone isnt treating you right and making sure you don't let it happen to you again.

Again, it may have taken me a lot longer than someone else, but I have learned a few things. However, it doesn't make it easier to bite your tongue and move along...especially, when you've got a tendency to say whats on your mind--they way I sometimes, too often, do.

“Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.” -Ambrose Bierce

The Moment, before the Moment.

“"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best -- " and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called” -Winnie the Pooh

I had to read this about three times before I actually got it. Once I did, it made perfect sense. The moment, right before the moments we love--that is the most precious. I started thinking of my own life in this way...under this light. Everything I've ever wanted, and the moments just before I held them in my hands...was that the most precious, did that make me happy? It would be contrary to what the world thinks---the world would tell you that you need to be in possession of something to truly feel the joy of having it, but this is not the moment Pooh describes as his happiest. It wasn't the act of eating his most favorite meal..it was a moment he couldn't describe.

But along these lines, I can't help but question, was Pooh talking about the anticipation of that thing or the moment before actually getting it or perhaps a little bit of both. If he was speaking of the anticipation then, can't the mere experience of wanting something so bad override the having of that thing itself? I think maybe this is why sometimes we find ourselves so dissatisfied once we have the things we think we want. It simply comes down to the fact that we've desired something for so long that we realize we fell in love with the desire, the drive, or the want of whatever it is, more than the thing itself. It's happened to me plenty of times. You find the perfect pair of shoes, outfit, or perhaps the mere fact of having more money in your pocket thrills you--only to find yourself throwing on older shoes, a comfortable outfit, or recognizing that life was simpler without the money.

Or maybe...it's not just about the anticipation...maybe, Pooh simply meant that although we appreciate what we have, only just before we get it when all the world things "no big deal," can we fully and wholeheartedly feel the happiest.

It's sometimes the quiet experience--the ones we can't describe without fireworks and sound--that leave our tummys most content.

Starting Over

Ever since I was a little kid, I had this fascination with being in love. Most girls do. However, I was never one of those girls who always had a boyfriend or jumped from relationship to relationship, in fact, I can safely say that I've spent most of my years alone. I can count all of the "relationships" I've had on one hand.

I hated the word single. I pretended to like it and adopt it as my own, but I couldn't. I was embarassed of myself and of the fact that I didn't have anyone around. When all of my friends had boyfriends or my family members were getting married, I was always alone. Family events were the worst--having my grandpa ask me why I didn't have anyone there, made me feel lonely and it made me question my own self worth. This began a string of insecurities that only I have felt the true depth of. In search of filling a void for these cold and deep insecurities, I went out and found short term love in anyone that would pay me the attention. I dated around, and found nothing but emptiness and an sense of narcissim, I didn't know I had in me. Everything became about immediate self gratification.

After a couple years of self exploration, I met one person that made me believe that I could love someone more than myself. To this day, I haven't uttered the word love to anyone else. That person changed my life. For three and half years I settled for less than what I wanted, I gave with all my heart, and I waited for a man that I knew would never be mine. It took me three and half years to understand that our love was based on selfishness, distrust, and pride. And after a consistant battle within my heart, I finally let go. I realized how much I had changed, how far I was from the person I wanted to be, and how far I had come from where God wanted me to be. The things that I had pushed under the rug during our relationship, suddenly became a priority as I felt a still, soft voice calling me back to the person I had lost along the way--a girl who used to believe that what she wanted was worth waiting for. I can't explain the why or the how. I honestly felt for so long that I would never be over this person, but one morning I woke up and I was ready. It would take hours to retell the things that I went through with them, but truth is, I learned a lot about myself, I have no regrets and I will always be thankful for the years I spent both in tears and in laughter with him.

A three year learning experience.

I am starting this journal as a new beginning. They say that every six months your life changes drastically. It took me a tad bit longer, but I can finally say I am at that point. So if you're curious, bored, or feel you can relate to my experience, I encourage you to join me.

"The first step to getting somewhere is to decide you are not going to stay where you are"


-L