Starting Over

Ever since I was a little kid, I had this fascination with being in love. Most girls do. However, I was never one of those girls who always had a boyfriend or jumped from relationship to relationship, in fact, I can safely say that I've spent most of my years alone. I can count all of the "relationships" I've had on one hand.

I hated the word single. I pretended to like it and adopt it as my own, but I couldn't. I was embarassed of myself and of the fact that I didn't have anyone around. When all of my friends had boyfriends or my family members were getting married, I was always alone. Family events were the worst--having my grandpa ask me why I didn't have anyone there, made me feel lonely and it made me question my own self worth. This began a string of insecurities that only I have felt the true depth of. In search of filling a void for these cold and deep insecurities, I went out and found short term love in anyone that would pay me the attention. I dated around, and found nothing but emptiness and an sense of narcissim, I didn't know I had in me. Everything became about immediate self gratification.

After a couple years of self exploration, I met one person that made me believe that I could love someone more than myself. To this day, I haven't uttered the word love to anyone else. That person changed my life. For three and half years I settled for less than what I wanted, I gave with all my heart, and I waited for a man that I knew would never be mine. It took me three and half years to understand that our love was based on selfishness, distrust, and pride. And after a consistant battle within my heart, I finally let go. I realized how much I had changed, how far I was from the person I wanted to be, and how far I had come from where God wanted me to be. The things that I had pushed under the rug during our relationship, suddenly became a priority as I felt a still, soft voice calling me back to the person I had lost along the way--a girl who used to believe that what she wanted was worth waiting for. I can't explain the why or the how. I honestly felt for so long that I would never be over this person, but one morning I woke up and I was ready. It would take hours to retell the things that I went through with them, but truth is, I learned a lot about myself, I have no regrets and I will always be thankful for the years I spent both in tears and in laughter with him.

A three year learning experience.

I am starting this journal as a new beginning. They say that every six months your life changes drastically. It took me a tad bit longer, but I can finally say I am at that point. So if you're curious, bored, or feel you can relate to my experience, I encourage you to join me.

"The first step to getting somewhere is to decide you are not going to stay where you are"


-L